Sometimes I watch the Big Ten Network (this morning cross country championships) and then I see an ad for a college I attended (I did undergrad and law school at Big 10 schools) and I just cry. Because I am sappy and sentimental. And I loved undergrad. 

Also I am on the rag. 

But does that mean I’m super unhappy in my life currently that I’m idealizing the past? Normally I feel pretty happy and/or satisfied with how things are. But maybe I’m fooling myself? Maybe I mostly miss not having a full time job?

Again, see the above mentioned lady issues.

The always amazing Kate Harding wrote a great article for Jezebel today that touched on both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn specifically their tendency to grope unsuspecting and unconsenting women. Also the pass they (and many, nay most men) seem to receive from society as a whole for this type of behavior. 

That’s not to say these things are entirely unrelated, mind you. There are certainly points of overlap between being a cad and being a criminal: An overblown sense of entitlement, an apparent lack of empathy for anyone you might hurt, an erection. But cheating on your wife is not a gateway drug to sexual assault. They are two different things, one of them a crime. If you’re a journalist, please take a moment now to repeat that to yourself a few times.

And then please consider this: A man who’s known for grabbing women’s breasts and asses without their consent (a crime) is not just some amusing, slightly pathetic Pepe Le Pew cartoon until the day someone accuses him of non-consensual penetration. He was actually already a sexual predator! And yet, inevitably, as soon as someone does accuse him of rape, friends who are familiar with his history of non-consensual groping will rush to tell the press that the accusations are absurd, insulting, inconceivable! Sure, everyone knew the lion liked to chase gazelles and pin them down and bat them around a bit for fun, but he would nevereat one. That’s just not in his nature.

Do you see the difference? One guy treats women rather shabbily, and he should be ashamed of himself. The other guy treats women like inanimate objects he is entitled to do whatever the fuck he wants to, and he should be ashamed of himself and also held legally responsible for his crimes. The line between the two is really not all that fine or blurry, you guys! It’s actually pretty recognizable!

Great right? But it also was kind of depressing. I mean how many times have you as a woman been groped? A lot right? Or at least once, most likely. I started to think about it and I remembered little shits in middle school grabbing my ass because why? It was funny? That’s just what they as boys (young men) were “supposed” to do? How they were supposed to treat women? I mean it wasn’t ever a huge deal, I don’t think it traumatized me for life or anything. But it was just accepted. That’s just what happens. 

The thing is 12 year old boys become powerful men. 

True story. See how I’m sitting? And I’m at my parents house* because I already had a big fight with Ben tonight.

I AM OVER IT. WHAT’S IT? EVERYTHING!

*they’re out of town.

Sometimes the internet makes me feel like a cloistered nun. Am I the only one who has never (a) licked some guys ass or (b) had someone do that to me? All the comments like, oh yeah whatever everyone is doing that and I’m like, “…”

Whatever if that’s your thing go for it but I have no desire for that period. 

I have cramps from hell.

I had the weirdest sex dream last night.

I’m leaving early today. I have an appointment with the doctor who will (hopefully, that’s the plan at least) prescribe me some sort of anti-anxiety meds. Appropriately, I’m sort of nervous about the whole thing.

I feel all sorts of conflicted about medication (for myself, I have no opinion about others use of it) and am still not sure it’s something I want to commit myself to. But on the other hand my anxiety has been intense lately and I need to do something.

I spend a substantial amount of time in my mid/late 20s alone. I didn’t date or hook up, nothing.  Guys asked me out and I said no.  I was just so over it.  My one super serious relationship in my early 20s had ended and I had been dating/hooking up and it was just not working out for me.  The last “relationship” I was in the dude always wanted to hang out at his place or mine.  At the time I was super paranoid that he had a girlfriend but now I honestly think he just wanted to fuck and pretty much nothing else. Finally I confronted him and was all this is a problem for me and it makes me feel like you don’t respect me and I had this whole speech worked out.  He sort of nodded, drove me home and I never heard one word from him again. I don’t know why but that was just the last straw.  It was so psychologically crushing for some reason and I was like I need to just take a break from all of this right now. 

Don’t get me wrong I absolutely had episodes of, omg I will die alone this is pathetic. But on the whole I enjoyed it. 

God I have the worst fucking cramps and now Bens mom is coming over. His stepdad was bringing their old stove to put in the garage but now apparently she’s coming along for the ride. I think I’m going to leave the house. I can’t handle this right now.

I ran to yoga at 6:30, took an 1:45 minute class and then ran the long way home. So I got home around 8:30 ish? Then I rolled around in the backyard for a little with the cats. Have I showered yet? No. Am I sitting in my bathrobe watching last weeks 30 Rock again? Yes.